Now with out further ado, the Episode One Recap!
Emily shmemily - who cares about the Elizabeth Taylor of (bachelor) engagements. Show me more of shirtless Sean... side bet, what's the over/under on how many times we see Sean sans shirt this season? And who else thought they were watching a bow flex commercial for a second there??
Also, why is Sean always on the beach? Isn't he from, like, the middle of Texas?
So Arie and Sean are, like, totes besties. I mean they haven't seen each other since Curaçao (Emily's season finale), but they still do normal bestie things like over analyze serious relationship convos (Quote of the night #1: "I can’t use ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, because it’s obviously them"), give each other kissing tips, and talk about how it was, like, so much closure, to watch themselves be dumped by the same girl on TV. I wish Sean gave Arie a rose, cuz I mean he was clearly giving Sean pointers for their surprise Fantasy Suite Date. Spoiler Alert: All the girls are pissed cuz Arie already had his chance on a previous season.
Enter Chris B. Harrison... killing it per usual, but let’s get on with it and jump to conclusions about Sean’s prom dates for the night.
Desiree - I wonder what you both wished for??? Des probs wished she didn’t have to always be a bridal stylist, and never a bride.
Tierra - Seriously, Sean, giving the (first) First Impression rose before she's even in the door? That's, like, the bachelor equivalent of a quickie wedding in Vegas. I think we all know that we’ve got a new Courtney on our hands, and she may or may not be getting knocked up in the Fantasy Suite. BTW, your open heart tattoo is totes the slutty version of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman’s Open Heart Collection at Kay Jewelers.
Robin - Your dress is from rent the runway and you fell over. (Sounds like a certain commissioner I know...) Anyway, post-its en espanol all over your
Diana - Three words: DIVORCED WITH KIDS.
Sarah - "I’m just an average girl
Lesley M - you are, like, so DC official with your folders, but I’ll give you credit for the football play, looks like you’re up on your internet stalking of our former Kansas State Linebacker of a Bachelor.
Kristy - Wait, what modeling agency are you with? Are you the best? Are you from the midwest? Also, when's the last time you slept with your trainer?
AshLee F. - Professional Organizer? To quote the ever wise David After the Dentist, 'Is this real life?'
Kelly - Quote of the night #2 “Who would want to date the crazy girl who sings a song for Sean and gets kicked of the Bachelor the first week, you know, that’s like the most embarrassing thing ever” I mean that is pretty embarassing, but at least you're not Ashley P.
Jackie - Putting her mark on Sean before all the other girls, except she’s 2nd out of the limo...
Selma - Salma Hayek?
Leslie - Holy Toledo. Did Omarosa and Carla from Top Chef have a baby?
Daniella - Is it me or does she have a weird Britney-Spears-trying-to-look-put-together-post-shaved-head look goin on. She’s dressed up and her hair's done, but there's a tinge of hot mess going on. Like Brit Brit totes looked exactly like that at some X Factor gig this year.
I love how ABC made sure you knew Katie was barefoot.
Ashley P. - fifty shades of BAT SHIT CRAZY! Quote of the night #3 and #4 I also brought a rape whistle in case I’m in trouble. - Sean ... and I love how SHE was all like “the wedding dress? I would never, I would die” .......
Taryn - you’re 30, you don't watch the bachelor, you don’t fight over a guy, but you're on the show. Oh, and you cried the first night. I'm confused, so you def must be, too.
Catherine - I dunno. Average?
Paige - you've failed at The Bachelor franchise twice and you're a jumbotron operator. Time to reevaluate life, maybe?
Lacey - He forgot about your lace heart.
Amanda - You know what’s really awkward, you had lipstick on your teeth and Sean didn’t say anything.
Keriann - You drove 2,275 miles, and you get to drive 2,275 more.
Brooke - I think Sean gave you a rose because he doesn’t know what to do with you and ABC has a quota to fill.
Lindsay - Quote of the night #5 “Honestly, I wish I was more sober right now.” No one like a drunk single girl in a wedding dress, except Sean Lowe ...
Ashley H. - Nicki Minaj? Her post interview acting skills are on point, too bad you can’t get an Oscar nom for being on The Bachelor.
Lauren - Shoulda left the Daddy threats for the hometown dates a la Kacie B circa Ben’s Season.
Speaking of Kacie B... Daddy must be soooo excited his little girl is on The Bachelor... again. "I had such a great experience on Ben’s Season" ... Except for the part where you had a mental breakdown when Ben rejected you and then you came back to warn him about Courtney and that didn’t work either. But whatevs, you’ll be good for some drama. PS. Jaclyn totes wore that dress in pink on the Bachelor Pad reunion.
This Rose Ceremony was just so average, because Sean was giving out roses left and right like it ain't no thang. Like obvi the girls were freaking out about it all night, first, they were drunk, and second, they're on The Bachelor. But what am I supposed to look forward to in the last 5 minutes if 10 girls have roses? Think of the viewers, Sean!
And don’t kid yourself Chris B. Harrison. Sean is here for TWO reasons: to find the woman of his dreams and to wear a shirt as little as possible.
Till the next rose ceremony...
-Commish
That was impressively spot on! I can't wait to read next week's recap! I was hoping the whole time that he have Arie a rose to. Poor guy deserves to be happy too!
ReplyDeleteI made the mistake of trying to read this on my iPhone in the middle of a business meeting. Ya know, I was nonchalantly acting like I had important emails to review... Whoops! I got to the Dr.Quinn medicince woman line and had to excuse myself from the room to get my snorting/laughing under control. Hilarious. Can't wait for next week.
ReplyDelete