Episode 3 Recap and Scoring

My apologies for the delayed post!! So without further ado the updated scoring breakdown is posted HERE.

There's a  bit of change up in the Top 5 - Dave drops to a 3 way tie for 5th, and Jess M retains her first place position.  Looks like all that trash talk didn't quite pan out, did it Dave?

Top 5
1. Jess M.
2. Matt
3. Jess H.
4. Lisa J.
5. Brian, Lisa S., & Dave

In the eliminations category Taryn and Kristy did not get roses, so points were earned if you picked them. Kacie B was asked to leave before the rose ceremony, so Kacie B owners earned points for her early exit, but no eliminations points, but no one picked her to go home anyway.

Insert an annoying reminder reminder about elimination picks here.

My guess is next week we'll see some even bigger changes in the leaderboard, Mo.  The previews showed one on one dates for Leslie H (WTF Sean?) and Selma, and Tierra is slated to have a Level 5 meltdown.  A lot of you lost Kacie B this week, too.  Some lost 2 girls with Kristy leaving, as well.

On to the Recap!

I'd like to start with an open letter to The Bachelor's editing team.

Dear ABC:

Is this Season 17 of The Bachelor or an infomercial for Sean Lowe's Zumba Bowflex Treadmill Weight Machine that I can get for 4 easy payments of the $69.95? I will call in the next 5 minutes if it means you stop opening the show with workout shots of Sean.

xoxo,
Commish

LESLEY'S DATE

First, that dress was cute, but it just barely covered your ass and proved you weren't wearing a bra. Slut.

I love sharing my ass intimate moments with the world

JKz!!! We know, Les, the dress was pink and lacy, and you're a traditional southern belle. Obvi, that is totes not the vibe you were going for... or was it?

Anyway, off to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum… zzzzzzzzzz. Lesley is all like WTF?

"I really didn't think we'd be coming to the Guinness Book of World Records. WHERE'S MY HELICOPTER RIDE, BITCH?" -Lesley

Then Sean reveals his deep connection to world records, and where I assume he gets his HI-larious prank ideas from...

"My dad - he likes to do things that are outside of the norm. He set a Guinness world record for having the most boring son driving a lot" -Sean

Since Sean idolizes his parents and his parents' marriage and is convinced he can replicate their life by finding love on TV, he and Les are going to break the record for longest on screen kiss.  This is going to be super awks when she's sent packing and/or they inevitably break up. Who keeps that plaque in the break up? Is it property of ABC, just like your life, Sean?

Ok, seriously ABC, who is in your editing department?? We watched the ENTIRE 3 minutes and 16+ seconds of Sean and Loose Lips Les's awkward kiss! This shot of Lesley sums up how I feel about that:

OMG, WHAT, what, what am I doing with my life?

There is something just off when Leslie kisses Sean.  Despite the fact that it makes me feel as a comfortable as do when I watch TLC's The Virgin Diaries, our girl Les made out with Seansie 3 different times AFTER their 3 minute kiss (which I'm counting as a make out since they broke the record). That combined with the one-on-one date, the one-on-one date rose and her side interview "I'm falling in Love", she managed to rack up 100 points this week, which makes her our weekly top scorer.

"It's fun because she's fun..." Actually she's a nerd. She just admitted she didn't have friends on TV. But just like everyone else on this show TV, her parents are like soOOooOOoo in love and it's so rare and that's what she hopes to find. So Sean gives Lesley the rose because what they have is as rare as what he has with other 16 girls and that's just rare and roses are rare, too.  Everything is rare, guys!

All that said, Lesley seems like the most normal girl and I think she actually really likes Sean. Which is unfortunate because the normal ones never make it... I give Les 2, maybe 3 more episodes and then we'll get our rejection meltdown.

GROUP DATE

Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H, Kristy, Catherine, Jackie, and Tierra get points for their group date. To which AshLee is relieved because it's an activity and sweating is just disorganized wants something romantic.

Turns out it is a competition, which makes Kompetitive Kristy dress like this:

You could be a gangster with that headband

So the date starts with Sean saying "Nobody break their nose today. And definitely don't break my nose. This is my money maker." No, Sean, your abs are your money maker, and I'm glad the girls reminded you by not acknowledging your comment and asking you to take your shirt off.

Daniella should not be shocked to see Chris B. Harrison on their group date... Like I said, she's always drunk.

I didn't get any alcohol on this date and I have Tori Spelling Boobs

Anyway, Chris tells them they have to play beach volleyball to win time with Sean, and my first thought is why didn't Sarah get the invite to play beach volleyball? #imgoingtohell

Then Taryn explains to us that she is from District 12 and this is The Hunger Games of love and her heart (HER HEART) is on the line.

"This volleyball game is the most important game of MY life. It's probably one of the only few I'll play that has something big riding on it. You're talking about your heart here, you're talking about more time with a guy that could potentially be yours forever, so this is THAT big of a deal." -Taryn

The desperation is palpable.

When Kristy's team loses, she has a meltdown and cries on the date (points!), but I'm not sure if she's sad about not spending time with Sean or if she realized she still had that headband on...

Then Leslie starts crying on the van ride home, and I'm also not sure if it's because she's sad about not spending time with Sean or if she's nervous she won't be kicked off in time for her audition for a cameo on last week's "Happy Endings."  This obviously begs the question, "Leslie, are you here for the right reasons?"

Penny is so not here for the right reasons

Then Sean brings them back to gym that ABC is making him call home.  He then makes out with Lindsay in some really bad lighting. Lindsay sounds like she’s 12, but thank God she’s not because Sean likes tongue.

Looks like Arie's advice paid off!

Then Kacie B., the Bachelor Alum who should know better, commits the cardinal Bachelor Sin: Thou shalt not tell the Bachelor about house drama, cuz he always chooses the cray cray bitches over you. 100% of the time it happens every time. Duh, Kacie!

But 'Ben's Season' isn't a real job!

"I just want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I'm seeing" – Sean. He just called you crazy. To your face.

Speaking of cray cray, Amanda is actually kind of terrifying in the Snapped kind of way. I give her 1-2 more episodes.  Des is totes hating on her so hard already, so, like I said last week as long everyone keeps questioning Amanda's reasons for being there, we'll all be earning points for our teams.

Lindsay gets the rose for being honest and open enough to accept Sean's tongue.

ASHLEE'S DATE

First, Tierra falls down the stairs at the exact moment Sean is walking in the door. Tierra is ultimately fine, but AshLee sees right through that shit. She is an adopted foster child, so she knows these tricks.

"She thinks it's cute to play the victim. I think Tierra’s the boy who cried wolf. I’m a smart woman, I can see through it." -AshLee F., Bachelorette Contestant and Smart Woman.

Tierra is killing owners with her underwhelming shit... she legit got 5 points out of that fall because she cried. I was realllllly hoping that someone pushed her or set a trap. I actually had my money on Kacie B doing the set up.

So AshLee and Sean get to shut down Magic Mountain, but AshLee has to share with some make-a-wish kids that aren’t actually make-a-wish kids, because they're just seriously ill, not dying. Also, I'm not doctor, but are roller coasters good for mitochondrial disease if it's tiring and painful?

Fast forward to AshLee making Sean cry for some serious pointage... AshLee opened the flood gates (pun intended), so clearly she got the rose. I meannn, she met her dad at a gas station, she remembers her court house adoption, AND she was abused by a foster family. She's in for the long haul, but I could see Seansie dropping her late in the game, cuz that just seems like the emotional equivalent of having one arm. Oh wait.

How awks was it when Sean was like "Oh I've thought about adoption..." You have? "It's always been on my heart." Duhhhh!  AshLee is smart enough to see through Tierra's BS, but not smart enough for Seans.

Anyway, here is an awkward picture of Sean all over AshLee, while the two besties play air guitar.

We are the 4 best friends that anyone could have!

COCKTAIL PARTY

Basically, the cocktail party went like this:
"Everyone's just chasing after him like a f*cking Hyena" -Kristy

I will make two other points about this segment:

1. I think everyone was hoping Sarah’s surprise was actually a prosthetic arm, and not her cute little dog.

Not an arm

2. I don’t understand why Jackie and Catherine are still here. They’re averaging like 15 points and episode. Borrring.

3. Selma?

ELIMINATIONS

"Forgive me Sean, for I have sinned"
"No forgiveness for you, Kacie B. GOODBYE."

The only hope for Kacie owners is that desperation is strong with her so she might return in a future episode. At least Sean respects her enough to not make her stand through the rose ceremony. But since he doesn't respect Taryn and Kristy they didn't get roses. Kristy cried. Taryn was confused. And none of it was shocking.

Till the next Rose Ceremony
-Commish