Episode 2 Recap and Scoring

Before we get to the Recap, the scoring breakdown is posted HERE. Congrats to everyone who picked Sarah and Desiree to be on their team, because you are currently the Top 5:

1. Sarah
2. Dave
3. Jess M.
4. Jes S.
5. Lisa J.

For those of you who picked Brooke or Diana to go home, you've only padded your scores; however, those who picked Katie did not earn points because she left on her own.

To Everyone: Don't forget about the eliminations picks! As girls get kicked off or leave the show, it can really help with your score.

On to the Recap! 

So episode 2 starts with another bowflex commercial starring our fav bachelor #17. For the record, Sean only took his shirt off 4 times this episode, so if that isn't enough for you, here is a photo from his latest In Touch photo shoot.

Date with Sarah

Our most sincerest bachelor ever in the history of bachelors, starts off his dating spree by getting Sarah MONSTER points. She got the first one-on-one date, the first helicopter ride, the first kiss, and a rose on the one-on-one date. Unfortunately, for you Sarah owners, she was looking to prove to some zip line carney in Vegas and Nevada state law that having one arm does not prohibit you from jumping off a building in California. Thus, 'free falling' while attached to a harness was not her 'worst fear' … however it did make her realize she 'thinks she's falling in love.' SeewhatABCdidthere….

Sarah's Dad's reaction to her being unable to zip line in Vegas was priceless:
Sarah: "My dad was like, you know, this is why you need to find a man who can deal with these situations."
Sean: "Well good thing it's still 1950 and I am a football player from Texas, because I know all about gender stereotypes and your Dad is right! I’ll probably kick you off in a few episodes, though, cuz, well, you have one arm."

Also, ABC is trying, like, soooo hard with this one armed thing… All the montages of his hand next to her nub is getting old… fast. Where are the good old fashioned, epic bachelor breakdowns??? No one shed a single tear in this episode!

Group Date 

Maybe I've watched too much Jersey Shore, but if Tierra (Tiara? Is that how you say it?) was a guido she'd def be a meatball. Also, ABC really played Tierra up in their promos. While she was hot outta the gates with her "I'm not here to make friends" and a quick kiss, she really fell short in this episode. Tierra owners were really hoping for the bachelor version of the muscle hamster (I mean she kind of looks like one), but right now she's just kind of Reggie Bush… Famous for who she dates, not how she plays the game.

Anyway, Harlequin novels and ABC know their demographics and they know them well, but this photo shoot, I just can't. Vampires, Country scenes, and Sexy Dance Scenes, OH MY… god. Shoot me.

Kristy needs to chill the eff out... She was wayyyy to 'Be Aggressive! B-E Aggressive!' with the whole modeling thing. "Did you see Kristy’s reaction? Uh, Homegirl’s a little excited to do a Photoshoot." – Katie. K-dawg is right, I mean was that really her personality or her stage mom showing her the moves from behind the camera a la Toddlers and Tiaras?? "Todayyyyy, I won a contract"

Robyn is really bad at talking shit. Tierra was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Tacky ho's ARE a dime a dozen, especially in a room full of Bachelor Contestants.

As for the photo shoot itself, this sums it up: "I thought he'd be shirtless for all of them"  ... Me too, Catherine, me too.

"I’m focusing on me, otherwise I'm going to get hurt and I’m not here to get hurt" But I thought you were here for Sean, Tierra??

On to the only Pool Party where Sean DOESN'T take his shirt off.

I'm just gonna throw it out there that Daniella is quickly becoming one of my faves. I'm pretty sure she's always drunk… she, like, loves everyone, I mean really likes almost everyone on the show.

Just pour me another glass of Champagne

Sean and Lesley’s "You make a move, no, you make move. OMG look at this house, this weather is soooo chilly" was like being at a middle school dance all over again. It was entertaining when I was 12, but now I’m 28 and this BS bores me. Get over it and get it on!!

Kacie B. just reminds me of a divorced, broke-down soccer mom. Jaded and worn out, with frizzy hair. Speaking of, why is everyone’s hair so frizzy on this date? I guess IN THIS ECONOMY splurging for hair and make-up touch ups at the outfit change is out of the budget.

Frizz is the new black.

"So you’re gonna hear this a lot… I’m vegan, but I love beef" ... Catherine went there. Awkksss.

And then we have our first quitter. Katie. I mean this is the least shocking thing ever. Those of you who placed Elimination bets picked her to be the favorite to go home on this episode. Unfortunately, no one got the points, but if you had her on your team you did get 30 points for her leaving on her own. It's probably for the best, though, you don't know what kind of animals were living in her hair…

Namaste, bitches!

Katie: "I feel like I need to go home"
Sean: "Ok. Let me walk you out."

He's DEF heartbroken.

Desiree's Date

"OMGGGZZOORRZZZSSS I am gonna get Dez sooooo good. Me and my bestie Chris B. are totes playing the greatest prank everrrrrr. It's even better than that time when I got Emily to believe I lived with my parents. LOLZ" – Sean

No, Sean, the Bachelor Art is not incredible. "It cost $5" – Sven. Clearly.

"Since she was such a good sport I’ll take her back to my place for some dinner where we can stick our tongues down each other’s throat get to know each other better." - Sean.

"OMG. My parents are theeeee best. OMG, Like no way. We are soooo similar. Let’s be besties!!!" I can't wait for Sean to ask Dez 'will you accept this friendship bracelet?'

Sean is so deep that every side of him has come out in one date. Dez might actually be perfect for him… she found his prank soooo hilarious and her fake "I dunnooooo should I take the rooooseee???" really had Sean going there… Um, nice try, Dez.

Despite the lame art, lame prank, and overall lameness of the date, Dez still somehow racked up almost as many points as Sarah. Dezzy got the one-on-one, first alone in a hot tub with Sean, AND a couple of kisses and the one-on-one date rose IN the hot tub for Double Points. Sadly, the make out sesh happened in the pool (no double points).

Cocktail Party

Lindsay - Your Cruella de Vil Miss America Pageant dress is like, so, fetch.

Catherine - When Sean chokes on the words "you have an infectious personality" he really means "I want to know how much you like my beef"

Leslie H. - A mock turtleneck white lace dress is not the look…

Amanda is so not here for the right reasons...

Robyn - How much did ABC pay you to drop the race card? Here's how the convo should have gone: 

Robyn: "I was watching how … it became more diverse… with people… with ethnicity.'
Sean: "Well, let me tell you, Robyn, I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, Diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era."
Chris B. Harrison: "No Sean, Diversity is a large, encroaching lawsuit, so keep boring ass Leslie and dorky uncoordinated Robyn around a few more weeks please."

BTW, Sean likes everyone… White, Hispanic, Persian, Black, he's learning Arabic, and jokes about knowing Farsi… but no Jews. It totes clashes with the aryan motif he's got going on.

So are we supposed to hate Amanda who might actually be bipolar, or the little hobgoblin cheerleader Snooki Tierra? If Amanda isn't here for the right reasons, we're all gonna score more points, but Dez, is already so tired of this. Not me, Dez. I’m ready for more!

Eliminations

Even though we didn't hear Diana tell Sean about her kids, he knew they were too much baggage about them, so y'all get those points. And sorry Brooke, but Diversity isn't THAT big of a ship.

Till the next rose ceremony…

-Commish