Episode 4 Recap and Scoring

As always... Let's start with the scoring breakdown, which is is posted HERE. You'll notice a few points that were given at the commissioner’s discretion this week. This episode was so quintessential Bachelor so I was just feeling generous.

Anyway, here is the new Top 5:

1. Jess M.
2. Andrea
3. Lisa S.
4. Dave
5. Lisa J.

Technically, Lisa J. and Dave are tied, but Dave has more earned elimination points which is the tie breaker.

Leslie and Amanda did not get roses, so elimination points were earned if you picked them. Nobody left by their own will, or was asked to leave, so it was pretty straight forward this week.

Next week is a bit cray cray… There are going to be TWO EPISODES in one week (Monday and Tuesday - WTF ABC). So I will post an update on how that’s going to work later in the week.

On to the Recap!

So when the show starts off Chris B. Harrison sitting the girls down for a serious conversation about how seriously this is working for Sean and how serious he is that his wife might be in that mansion, I thought, Whoa, this is serious (spoiler alert: no I didn't)... Then I was like, whoa, somebody def read my open letter from last week. I could not have been more wrong...

Because this happened:

And then this:

I can't with you, ABC. I just can't.

Selma's Date

Ugh. First, F-ing Leslie... You are so not even here for the reasons so stop saying that! First, you were on an episode of Happy Endings. Two, that crying was 100% acting class. And third, you said the phrase "the right reasons" 3 times tonight, which obviously means you are lying. God, you are so annoying. Whatever.

I'm sad my vocabulary is small because I am a poker dealer.

Ugh. Anyway, back to not salsa dancing or hot yoga. Thank god, because 110 pound Selma would totes crush Sean's toes. I mean obvi, 110 lbs is, like, so fat, right? So S got a red carpet and private jet, for which your Commish gave her the standard issue 20 pts that a helicopter ride gets, cuz it's pretty similar. But no double points since it’s not a true helicopter ride.

On their rock climbing date we find out that Selma is Iraqi, but, she, like, cannot handle the heat, and generally just complains about everything. Selms, I hate to say it, but someone needs to tell you. You were born in Baghdad and made it on basic prime time cable in America… you better learn to handle the heat, because half of your demographic is Honey Boo Boo's extended family.

"I do not do well in heat. I get so frustrated." -Selma
"I feel puffy, so this should be interesting.” -Selma
"I hate heights. Then I'm like I'm gonna fall. And die. When I am looking down from anywhere I get so nauseous, I get so panicked" -Selma

All 110 lbs of my boobs are so puffy, you guys!

I thought Selma was on the verge of launching into her 'worst fear' and while she didn't say it, she sure did complain enough, so you got the points for that… I mean it's not like she's earning any hot tub make out points.

Selma climbs the mountain faster than Sean, and then Sean is so impressed that he takes Selma on a tour of the trailers that Blakeley and Tony fell in love in on Bachelor Pad 3. Then we find out that Selma can’t kiss anyone. Wait what?  You came on The Bachelor, with your cleavage everywhere and you're laying all over Sean, but you have no plans to kiss him till you win? What did I say about The Virgin Diaries last week?

Look Mom, no kissing!

Also her family is Arabic and conservatively so.  Selma gets the points for a disapproving family member tonight, but she is most definitely not getting a hometown date. She's got a few episodes left in her, but can you really see Sean hamming it up with Selma's seriously religious immigrant Mom and Dad? Without having even kissed her? Yeah, me neither.

I do have to give a tip of the cap to Selms. Boys always want what they can't have, and 'as a guy who's had a lot of concussions', he's the epitome of Cro-Magnon. And now he's just obsessed with wanting her because he can't kiss her.

Group Date

"I think we are getting in those giant hamster ball things and rolling down a hill"  -Lindsay.  Not even close. But how I wish I got to watch that happen.

So Sean decides to take Jackie, Robyn, Tierra, AshLee, Lindsay, Sarah, Amanda, and Catherine on a Roller Derby date, which ABC quickly learns is actually the worst date idea in history. Way to put totally untrained girls who don't actually like each other into a situation where they could seriously injure each other or themselves.

Tierrus Hobbitus in her natural habitat

Tierra is really excited about making fugly faces 'knockin biotches down', which just adds to the danger level. Turns out the other crazy girl in the house, Amanda, is also pretty good, until she ironically wipes out and almost breaks her jaw and earns her owner's some much needed injury points.

"She’s having a tough time opening her mouth. I’m concerned." -Sean. Wonder why?

Then AshLee locked up her future Bachelorette status, while comforting the resident 'disabled' girl:

"Sarah, to me, has no disability. She does everything every other girl in the house does." -AshLee.

ABC is writing up her contract as we speak.  Unless she wins.  But they'll eventually break up, so it's cool.

Speaking of Sarah, she got some 'worst fear' points at Commissioner's Discretion, because, well, she has one arm.

Then ABC realized that even though they signed their lives away, a jaw wired shut isn't a good look. So they pump up the light rock and go for a free skate a la 1979.

Flash forward to part two of the date where someone flips Tierra's evil troll switch and she has a stage 5 clinger melt down out of left field. Seriously, bitch is crazy! I mean, I guess I would be nuts, too, if I looked like a combo of Deena from Jersey Shore and ET. No way this hobbit ends up with Sean forevs.

Tierra Duck Phone Home

It's so ‘fusstrating’ listening to her little hobbitty voice threaten everyone and complain about not getting her way, so I hope Sean figures this out soon.

"I deserve so much more than this, Sean’s a great guy, but why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy. Why?" – Tierra. Well Tierra, you obviously watch the bachelor, but you also obviously have a head injury, so I will explain it to you. When you sign up for the bachelor, you lose all rights to respect and will get made fun in blogs forever. Especially when you make faces like this:

You think you're being tortured?

Seriously, though, is her forehead issue going to be addressed or not?

Anyway, Tierra steals hot tubs points from Lindsay owner's, but racks up her own by interrupting. Then she cries (and snorts while crying like hobbits are known to do) during her side interviews and her time with Sean. She complains about not having enough time with Sean, and for that, Sean obviously gives her the one-on-one date rose. Then we hear the lip smacking of two kisses, montaged with the shit talking of the other girls. Ahhh, the sounds of true love.

Leslie H.'s Date

“HOLY MOLY, BATMAN!” Please chill with this line. Your name is Leslie, not Robyn. SeewhatIdidthere.

As previously established, I find Leslie H. to be boring, lame, and annoying. So this date was like nails on a chalkboard for me, but I saw it coming a mile away... Shower her with gifts and then send her packing.

Les H. got the 'Pretty Woman' date, which is really just a way for ABC to give expensive shit to someone not Caucasian, so it can be shown as evidence in the courtroom. They let her keep the diamonds and clothes... Which will always remind her of how she was dumped wearing the fugliest Badgley Mischka dress I've ever seen.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner? It's Ro-day-o drive, not Rody-o Drive

Speaking of the courtroom, Badgley Mischka should, like, totally sue ABC for defamation or libel or whatever, because not one of the girls on the show could pull that dress off.  Putting that dress on girls that are not models or the Olsen Twins is clearly an attempt to vilify their brand for not letting them use a cuter dress.

How Rude?

Also, Les, just because you're kind of a lady in waiting and get to wear an expensive Neil Lane necklace, doesn't mean you are a tan Julia Roberts and this is not Pretty Woman. It would have been awesome from a points side if you revealed that you once were a hooker.

And what bro goes shopping like this with a girl? Even Richard Gere was like F that noise. He just gave her the money and made Hector Elizondo take care of everything. WHERE IS HECTOR ELIZONDO WHEN YOU NEED HIM? Probably making a film called Flag Day with Garry Marshall, the real Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, and 800 other big name stars who're each in the movie for 5 minutes each. Too bad.

"I have never been treated ever this good in my whole life. Seannnn has totally take control and made feel more like a woman more than I ever, ever, ever felt in my whole life ... I feel bootiful and he is handsome" -Leslie is somehow drunk in her side interview.

Never been treated ever this good.

I mean good call on Les's part getting wastey face, though.  Nothing helps getting dumped like not remembering it.  Sean wraps it up pretty quickly in the middle of dinner, because she's black the connection just isn't there.

But guys, let's just remember how hard this is for Sean. He might actually NOT find his wife this way. Thank goodness he had the private concert to read the voice over the producers wrote for him really think things over.

Who's Ben Taylor?

Sidenote: Tierra is always eating and Selma is wayyy jealous of Leslie's date.

And Daniella brings us back to earth "I think she gets to keep the diamonds... lucky girl!"

Cocktail Party

"Leslie is gone and that's a good thing because I am here to win this and in order to get to that point there needs to be less girls" Thanks for that math lesson, Tierra.

So I bet Sean did not like Robyn's chocolate, but you can kick two black girls off in one week, so my prediction is that she's gone next week.

Tierra apologizes to Robyn and Jackie so they won't talk shit about her to Sean and she does an amazing job of telling people they're wrong, but saying it's an apology:

"I just wanted to apologize for the other night, you kind of attacked me and in all honesty it was not fair ... I’ve never not liked you and that's kind of your bad for assuming that. I've learned to accept you for you and you for you and I have all the heat and everyone’s focusing on what Tierra's doing wrong. I hope we can squash it"

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry. I'm too much of strong independent woman to be the cray cray betch on the bachelor.

Once again my drunk homegirl, Daniella CLEARLY explains exactly what Tierra is doing, but somehow Robyn and Jackie are just confused.  And then Tierra admits everything in a side interview, confirming Daniella's theory. And everyone's all like "should we tell Sean?" Y'all need to learn from Kacie B.

I only had 4 Vodka Tonics tonight.

Then Catherine gives Sean a gift, they giggle, and make out like 14 year olds. That's about as interesting as Catherine gets.

Then there's Jackie ..............

Catherine and Jackie are good for like 10 pts an episodes, pretty much, so at least Catherine owners scored some gift and make out points. I still don't understand why they're here, but they are, so I'm guessing Sean just keeps forgetting about them because they are boring white girls.

Rose Ceremony and Eliminations

This week was SO huge and SO emotional, but Sean is SO invested now. His feelings are SO real and SO sincere and SO genuine. He is SO confident and SO excited he might find his wife.

But he is SO not feeling Amanda. Probably because she looked like she belonged on True Blood and not the bachelor.

Sook-eh?

Till the next Rose Ceremony –

Commish