Ahhh here we are again meeting the newest Bachelorette through resident Bachelor/ette Bestie Chris B. Harrison.
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| Resident Bacheloretee Princess |
Let's start with an open letter to the producers...
Dear Bachelor/ette Producers,
This house looks oddly familiar to Des's ex-bf, Sean's, house... I mean, obviously, you just turned the gym into an art studio. I get that you dropped all your budget on a Bentley, but, like, living in your ex's ex-house is stalkerish, creepy, and totes depressing. Whatevs... I'll bite, and watch.
Of course the first thing Des does is talk about being poor. Her childhood was, like, so humbling you guys... Humbling. Teepee. Apartment. Teepee. Poor poor poor. Blah blah blah.
"My brother's room was the living room
where he first learned the art of self tattoo." - Des
It's all good though, because if you
sign up for a TV dating show work hard enough you, too, can have a house in Malibu and a Bentley someday.
Ugh... Tears in the first 5 mins. If Des cries every time she talks about her parents
TRUE LOVE or how hard, but rewarding her journey with Sean was, I'm going to resign as commish. Jk. I'll probs just keep making fun of her.
Ok, back to the house...
"Like OH EM GEE, we are above the cloudzzz! and I am totes Cinderella..." but like the animated one, not the Drew Barrymore one. Love how, CBH is all like
"umm duhsies. You're in the 'Bu. Also, NBD, but, uhhh, we need you to dump that shitbox car you drove up in, because it's a bad look for me."
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Custom Tiffany's Blue |
Who knew Bentley was buying stock in the Bachelorette. Sidenote: I may or may not actually try to sign up for the Bachelor/ette, because that Bentley could pay off my student loans.
Clearly all their budget went to the Bentley because that bathing suit top totes looks like
one I have from from Target (street name: Tarjay)... And Des's side interview shirts are the same shirt from Old Navy in different colors (and yes, I own the blue one, too.)
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| You gave me a Bentley, but dress me in Old Navy!?! |
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| JK, I'm sooooo humbled by these prices. |
Watching Des skate around Venice Beach while trying on ugly pink cowboy hats made me yearn for Sean's naked abs, and she chased those seagulls all I could think of was the crazy pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.
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| Des, circa 2033 |
Poor Des doesn't have a bestie like Arie to come talk to her... thankfully CBH is up on his gossiping skillz, and they can, like talk about how much Des's life is going to change for, like, ever. Unlike the time she said the same thing getting out of the limo on Sean's season....
Meeting the Men
Emily Maynard would totes cut a bitch over Des's pageant dress. Now on to what we're all really here for... Judging the Men
Bryden - Military man from Montana. I'm loyal, protective, and my bestie is a dog is that I dress in a pink bow.
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| OMG, like, sooo excited it's Des |
Will - "a lot of black guys don't do bikram yoga" ... Also, clearly not up on his Bachelor trivia when screaming I LOVE THIS GIRL! AshLee, was the screamer, and look what that got her...
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| Going home in Ep. 2 |
Drew - Divorced parents, family problems... blah blah blah... Way to stare her body the f down. Seems forced. Maybe he'll fall for a bachelor? Or he's got bodies in his basement freezer? Def one or the other.
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| I wish I could wear you. |
Nick R - Custom Clothier, professional magician, aka dork master flex.
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| Somewhere Kalon has a boner. |
Zak W. - I'm rich and do ridiculous things and live on a giant ranch in the middle of nowhere texas and my house is totes outdated aka I will cut you in pieces and keep you in my basement freezer forevs. Love you, mean it! what's with missing letters (coughcoughJefwithoneFcoughcough)
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| My what a fugly house you have, Richie Rich. |
Robert - The coolest thing since spinning signs [sliced bread]. This is the bachelorette not shark tank, brah. But, shut up... I see you with your one eyed pup!
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| Hometown Material |
Mike R. - My family is english and my mom is super blond and I 'lost the accent' ... please ... another adoption story for sure. McLoser.
Brandon - adrenaline junkie... wakeboarding is like, so, intense man. The addicted mother story and the motorcycle... Something has led me here and it might be being the next bachelor.
Brooks - Smeh, nice hair, awkward, quiet... def going to make it pretty far since no time was spent to make him seem not normal.
Brad - Spent hours trying to figure out how to rig a wishbone so Des would win.
Michael G. - Brad totes stole your move... Probs should have coordinated. Also, how does a federal prosecutor feel about guys in prison watching him on TV?
Kasey - #I #internet #stalked #you #NBD #serialkillerproblems
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| #botoxformen |
Also, K-Dawg, I see those sneakers and I know they match your tie. #wtf
Mikey T - Bringing the brother into it on day one. I bet
Jimmy "B-Rabbit" Smith, Jr. (government name: Nate) is pumped about you.
Larry - Poor guy, too old, and too normal... I mean you did make her ripped her dress, hahaha.
Zack K. - What is with dudes not knowing how to pull off sneakers and suit... At least you have a c and k in your damn name and aren't on the skateboard.
Diogo - this is such a stereotype... can't totally speak english, and obviously defaults to a knight in shining armor line.
Chris - Clever... Des loves ridiculously cheesy jokes/pranks a la Sean.
Juan Pablo - Wait, how do you say your name?
Brian - Totally normal. Borrrring.
Micah - is obviously colorblind.
Nick - poet guy. Don't be poet guy, brah.
Dan - Also, normal. And Borrrring.
Ben - Has. a. kid. Bringing him AND grandma into it already.
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| Obviously, the next Bachelor. |
Cocktail Party
"Get ready for the night of you life... and for me to say that every week" - CBH
"They're not tricks Michael. They're illusions. Tricks are something whores do for money and cocaine." -
Nick R. GOB aka George Oscar Bluth
So we see Brandon give away his Mom's sobriety coin, so Des can awkwardly give it back to her at hometowns. And Ben, regurgitates Des's life story to her - grew up camping and has Parents married for 35 years - plus you brought your really adorable and well trained son. Obviously you get a rose.
Zak W. gets almost naked and jumps in the pool the first night... the thing is he's not drunk. Des should know better than to give him a rose. We all know that stripping and jumping in on the first night is the equivalent of the drunk girls crying on the first night.
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| Can Someone get me a towel? |
Kasey #shuttheFup #you #are #annoying!
"I like your name, Bryden, because it's white trash it stands out." - Des
Then Juan Pablo starts a soccer game, because apparently in wherever he is from he's like a famous soccer player. He even has a whole
wikipedia page. I wish someone would have kicked the ball in her face. For comedic value.
Then we get to Jonathan. Creepy, creepy, potentially-unregistered-sex-offender Jonathan. I mean who doesn't get why he is confused... He offered Des a night in the fantasy, and now he's going to try and kiss her on the mouth... while he does one foot push ups. His love tank hasn't been depleted in years, so obviously night one on the Bachelorette is the way to rectify that. I mean he definitely doesn't know that no means no... good luck emptying that love tank now that this has aired on national TV.
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Don't worry... his mom says he's good looking and not a date rapist |
CBH on Jonathan's departure -
This is how serious Sean Des is about finding his her wife husband
Rose Ceremony
Gone are the knight in shining armor (Diogo), the colorblind clown suit guy (Micah), the old Er doc that made des rip her dress (Larry), Dr. McILostMyBritishAccent the Dentist (Mike R), the retail associate magician (Nick R.), and Jonathan.
#whydidyoukeepkasey
Till the Next Rose Ceremony -
Commish
