Episode 1 Recap

Well, here we are... back in the familiar place of pageant dresses, too much champagne, and mental breakdowns on night one. Since there are no teams or scores for episode one let's get right to it!

First, we meet Juan Pablo, which I am either going to abbreviated JuPa or JP because typing Juan Pablo every time is, like, super annoying. Why can't you have a short name like, ya know, Sean... or Des.

Anyway, obviii the show starts with JuPa getting photographed, and running around shirtless. Since it's kind of hard to get everything he says, ABC is clearly distracting us with his looks. Which, I mean, no complaints here.

 

You guys... he has abs....

"There's special moments in my life, that have changed my life. And definitely becoming el bachelor has been one of the bigger ones."- JuPa

Cut to meeting Camila Valentina, the chiquitiri AKA the new Ricki (see Emily's Season). Basically what I learned is that being a Dad isn't always easy. JuPa needs a evil stepmom for Camila. He's the first el bachelor latino. Family is really important. Also he's really good at drawing corazons:

Blah blah blah.... here's another shirtless shot. 

Also, Sean and Juan Pablo are eskimo brothers besties. Where's Arie Luyendyk Jr. when you neeeeed him???? Anyway, here are the important points of the convo:

"...So I made a phone call to a guy who knows pretty well what's going on..." - JuPa

"What am I gonna call this thing? A journey? No seriously, ¿cómo se dice en espanol?" - JuPa

"Do you have a strategy for kissing do you want to practice on me?" - Sean

Sean looks different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it till I read this tweet:

 

 FYI, Sean is marrying Catherine because she can ride elephants and clean skunked dogs LIKE A BOSS.

FINALLY! AFTER WHAT FELT LIKE AN HOUR OF BACK STORY WE GET TO MEET THE CHICKS. 

I'm just gonna throw it out there now. ABC should consider "The Bachelor: Golden Years" and cast that limo driver as the first el bachelor. Well I guess CBS would have a better audience for that, but whatevs.

Driver so sessy!

Also, this is for sure the longest time without our trusty host being involved. Enter the one, the only CBH with his PSA on the case of Juan Pablo Fever sweeping the nation. Signs and symptoms include speaking in tongues broken Spanish, stumbling and slurring words inebriation, and sudden blindness from too much abdominal exposure.

THE GIRLS

Chelsie is a teacher. She plays soccer. Or futbol in JuPanese, which Chels will surely be fluent in thanks to her housekeeper. She also likes to hide in cornstalks or sunflowers because she is from the Midwest.

I lovedddd Lucy in Clueless.

This looks like a Hanson Video

Renee - Renee has like soooooo much in common with JuPa. They're both single parents. They both have everything but the love of their life. They both live in Florida. They are both ready for love. And they are both good at running on the beach with their kids.

Andi is gang prosecutor in Atlanta. Not a regular prosecutor, a GANG ONE. I really wish when she walked outside and put on her sunglasses, that she actually had a little dog and yelled 'I OBJECT' because she's comfortable using legal jargon in everyday conversation.

You got into Harvard?

Whatttt? Like it's hard.

Later, JuPa is fascinated because she reads a lot, even though she doesn't. What?

Enter Amy J. The resident freak massage therapist.  

"None of the men that I've dated have enjoyed massage. I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me" 

Probs because you give awkward over-the-pants-handys massages in giant open courtyards.

Nikki - The girl-next-door-pediatric-nurse... with a backless black studded dress and a fairly large back tatt. Who gets him to almost touch her boobs.

A wholesome image for the peds nurse.

Lauren is #blessed but her love life is not so #blessed. She was engaged a few months ago during casting but since she's totes fine now, coming on the bachelor was a great idea.

Valerie - Not only am I pretty, er I mean a pretty girl, I'm not scared to file these things down and scratch some eyeballs. 

Lacy - A family of 13, nine are special needs, and she opened a nursing home at 20? Nice orphan annie reference. But a sweet little snoozefest.  See ya nevah!

Clare: I'm part Mexican. I speak espanol.
JuPa: I not a Mexican.
Clare: What's that about?
CBH: JuPa is from Venezuala.

Also her Dad died of brain cancer, and made a DVD. I was terrified she was gonna give JuPa the DVD the first night for safe keeping, a la Brandon giving Des his Mom's 7 year Sobriety Chip...

Then, finally, the limos show up and we find out we have an hour to meet 27 girls.

Amy L - What, what, what are you wearing in your Bio pic?

I mean it goes perfectly with those shoes that I def wore to my 8th grade graduation dance…

Cassandra is so awkward. And I can't tell if her dress is an ice skating leotard at the top, or a dress.

Hey, Christy, 2002 called. It wants its halter top back. Seriously, though, what was that? And the headband?

Thankfully, it was followed by the best dress of the night. Seriously, I am surprised I didn’t see anyone in this at the golden globes last night. Totally gorge, but unfortunately for Christine, who seems to have an accent, that bracelet did not win over JuPa.

B-T-Dubbs. I had like 100 of those bracelets as a kid.

FYI JuPa looooooves de limos.

Kat is a dancer, but doesn't know how to salsa… riiiiight.

Chantel is lame. She uses JuPa's own entry line from Des's season. And her dress isn't very flattering. But she knows Spanish.

Victoria is Brazilian. I love her dress. And she speaks Portuguese which is way different from Spanish so this should be interesting.

Enter Lucy. I hate Lucy on principal. She's not wearing shoes or make up, two of my favorite things. She’s wearing a fugly floral headband. And her job is Free Spirit.

Also she's 'friends' with Kate Upton and complains about having to edit her photos to skydive naked. She's here for all the wrong reasons, and to annoy me. I just know it. But seriously, the F is a free spirit doing on the bachelor???

Danielle is a psych nurse and willingly came on this show?

Then Lauren rides her piano bike in, which is awkward. JuPa is great at pretending he likes it.

Dasss great!

"We have so much in common, but I can’t tell you yet" - Elise

Ashley's voice was odd. I couldn't tell if it was a phone sex operator, or she's just quiet cuz she teaches 1st grade, or both.

Ugh. Fake Pregnancy. No. You are not making it to the Fantasy Suite, because duh. Although, it would be hilarious if one of the contestants was actually pregnant.

Glowing, or Insane?

Alli - soccer shoes. Someone had to.

Amy J., we'll get to you later, but ugh, your dress, woof.

Doubleboob.

Maggie brought the fishing hook, but JuPa clearly didn't know how to use it... He’s from the deep, deep, DEEP south, like south of the equator, Mags, not the south.

Ugh. Effing Kelly is right up there with Lucy. Like what kind of job is being a "dog lover"... I LOOOOVE dogs, but I hate you. I hope Molly gets a rose and you have to go home.

Will eat all the roses!

Alexis was pretty AND spoke Spanish, but clearly JuPa was not feeling it.

Lacy wins for the most Pageanty Dress.

And then for my favorite the worst look of the night: KYLIE. That hair color... smeh. That dress... no. TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT! I am seriously judging your interior design skills.

Enter Sharleen. My vote for the betchiest betch of the season. More on her later...

Andi, last but not least, and a musical change, which means she's going far.  DUH!

Then JuPa is all like "how do I do this?" Like, no, seriously I don't think he knows how to do this because he keeps looking right at the camera

COCKTAIL PARTY

CBH sends JuPa in letting us know that unlike Des and Sean's season there is only 1 first impression rose, probs because more than 1 was too hard to explain to him.

Cue the girls 'omgggg he is like sooo cute, and omg that accent I can’t understand him.'

You are so funny, what did you say?

"it feels weird. It feels like you're a meat… that they wanna eat you right there" - JuPa

FALSE. JuPa, these girls don't eat. They only drink.

"The fact that JuPa has music playing shows that he is fun."

"The fact that JuPa has a photobooth shows that he is fun."

"He's really easy to talk to. I do kinda just wanna stare at him. Do we have to talk, can I just stare at you, wouldn’t that be easier?" - Nikki. Yes it probably would.

Single Mom and Single Dad like that each other is single and a parent. SHOCKING.

"You shot the goal and you scored" - Renee.

More like you slipped one past the goal?

Lucy says that she is a free spirit and that's why she didn’t wear shoes. Real hippies don't wear shoes. JuPa says Lucy makes him nervous when she gets close to him. That isn't 'nerves' Juan Pablo, that’s the smell of dirty feet and patchouli oil. Also, she's not wearing make up. 

Ohhhh ... that's that smell...

"Like you guys say 'happy camper'..."

Amy J and her overzealous awkwardness actually made me physically uncomfortable. I don't know what to say, so here are some awkward pics and gifs.

"Maybe you should take off your jacket?"

"I didn't anticipate having this conversation while I am pushing through your suit" Yes, you did.

"The massage was pretty awkward" - JuPa

Blah blah blah dead parents, he's so sexy, this is hard, if I don't get a rose I will be devastated, at least he remembers your name blah blah blah.  On to the Lauren H. breakdown

"How were you able to get time with him?" - Lauren H.
To which I say, 'really?'

"This is making me second guess myself. I think I have insecurities." - Lauren H.
To which I say, 'really?'

"My last relationship which was an engagement was hard to end." - Lauren H.
To which I say, 'really?'

"I can't believe I'm the one getting worked up." - Lauren H.
To which I say, 'really?'

Is this going to be on TV?

Lauren is totally Blakeley with smaller boobs and a scrunchier face.

So Lauren finally gets her time and proceeds to dump all her baggage on JuPa, which goes as we all could have guessed.

Sharleen gets the 1st impression rose because JuPa likes her dress and she is elegant. She's all like "um sure, ok?" like she kind of doesn’t understand why she signed up for this show, which is hilarious and awesome.

U assept dis rosa?

Oh God, I can't understand what you're saying...

"There's been so much build up, but if I am being completely honest, it feels a little forced." YES, YES, YES, SHARLEEN FTW!

Also, why does she keep calling him sir? I thought she was going to reject the rose and leave right away, but apparently she loves fame after all.

"I guess I thought I would feel some more instachemistry" - Sharleen

Spoiler Alert: CBH is renaming his dating app to instachemistry

ROSE CEREMONY 

We'll keep this one quick since your eyes are bleeding reading all this, but first I must point out the awesome moment that Kylie thought her name was called, but it was actually Kat, and then she doesn't get one at all. Awkkkkk! I still can't get over that ensemble she has going on, though. Also how did she not mix it up with Kelly?

B*TCH DAT'S MY ROSE

katkatkatkatkatkatkatkat

But your English is TERRIBLE

Don't worry all the girls are, but not for the same reasonsss.

Not the look.

Anywayyyyy, the eliminated girls are:
Alexis, Amy J., Christine (seriously, she had the best dress.), Kylie (seriously, she had the worst dress), Lacy, Lauren H. (shocker), Maggie (thank g, her voice was so annoying), and Valerie.

Till the next rose ceremony -

Commish