Episode 5 Recap

Scores are posted in the last blog post, now on to the recap of episode 5!


So Montana is place where we get an opening with Sean fully clothed. 

Why is everyone so excited for Montana? These girls don't quite strike me as the I-love-Montana type, but I guess I've underestimated their acting skills.

Montana! Is that in the Caribbean?

Sean thinks Montana is so beautiful. In fact, it's the most beautiful place he's ever been. Sean, I am pretty sure you said that in wherever the hell you went in Emily's season.

LINDSAY’S DATE 

This date was typical and boring. Here are the highlights:

Lindsay: Is that a helicopter?
Sean: Yes, it's the most badass helicopter ever, too. You're lucky I am taking you on it since you wore a wedding dress the first night.

Sean: We're taking a tour of Glacier National Park
Lindsay: Montana is beautiful, but I am holding hands with Sean, and just like this helicopter, my heart is soaring.

I'm flying, Jack Sean

Lindsay: I feel like I've known you forever, SO CRAY!

Sean: I think you know me, I think I know you, too.

Lindsay: I def have butterflies, make out with me.

Sean: Let's go sit on a couch by a fire somewhere in Montana. Here is a toast to our boring incredible day and what will be an even more boring better night.

Lindsay: I dunno what brought me here or lead me here or how this even happened, so let's make out.

Sean: First, tell me about your childhood.

Lindsay: I'm an army brat with daddy issues, make out with me.

Linds, you know how you got here? Sean, roofied you and now you're on The Bachelor. SURPRISE! 

Lindsay gets the rose because she kisses with tongue will make an incredible wife.

Then there's a concert with the entire town of Whitefish, population 50, where Sean actually tells Lindsay he thought she was crazy. Linds doesn't get it, so she does what she does best and just keeps trying to make out with Sean.

So that song had every state in it except Montana. Great job ABC.

GROUP DATE

Daniella, AshLee, Lesley, Robyn, Catherine, Sarah, Desiree, and Selma get the lumberjack group date, which is unfortunate because that means there's more plaid.

Daniella thought the goats were dogs.

Selma obviously didn't get the memo that when you wear weird headbands you eventually get eliminated a la Kristy in episode 3.

Chris Harrison would like watching these chicks milk a goat and then chug it.

"I don't think having one arm's gonna hold me back today" -Sarah

Then Selma does this while talking about milking a goat:

Which is definitely not embarrassing for her strict and conservative religious family.

The competition goes as expected, one team is bad at canoeing, the other team is bad at bucking hay, they’re both mediocre at cutting pre-cut wood, and Dez and Ash apparently know how to milk a goat. And Dez is okay at chugging goat's milk, but it got all over her face and it came out her nose.

Sean couldn't decide which team his wife was on, so he brought them both back. So Chris B. Harrison invites them back in the most dramatic way possible... and now he's saying y'all. Ugh.

And cue all the girls being angry and Sean being clueless. I mean, Des is obviously pissed, I wonder what Champagne tastes like as a chaser to goat's milk?

Selma's ready to start a revolution, cuz when Selma get's angry, she gets angry.

In the meantime, while the blue team is getting ready to go back to their date, Tierra, the cray cray betch, is writing her cray cray betch manifesto down. It goes something like:

All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a sad girl. 
All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a psycho. 
All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a sad girl.

All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a psycho.

All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a sad girl.

All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a sad girl.
All group dates and no one-on-one Sean time makes Tierra a psycho.

"This is so bold for me to do. I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you and I'm like what the heck? Why am I getting a two on one, I don't want to be mislead. I'm a real person. I have real feelings. The two on one is a slap in the face" -every bachelorette ever Tierra.

Then Dez complains to Sean's face. And AshLee interrupts to talk about how much she adores Sean and their amazing Soul Connection. And they make out.

Then Catherine and Sean go outside to be cutesy 8 year olds. And they make out.

Then Daniella cries about not getting to hang with Sean. And they make out.

Daniella gets the rose because if you cry about how much you like Sean, he will give you a rose.

TWO-ON-ONE

So the resident gremlin has a two-on-one date with poor Jackie.

Maybe that's why she's always eating...

They go horseback riding and to ease the awkwardness of a two on one date. Real talk, nothing eases that awkwardness. Then, yet another bachelorette falls victim to breaking the first commandment of bachelorette-ism: Thou shalt not tell the Bachelor about house drama, cuz he always chooses the cray cray bitches over you. 100% of the time it happens every time.

Jackie tells Sean that Tierra is one way with the girls and another way with him. Sean says, "You are so real. You know how I know? Because I can just tell."  Then they make out.

Jackie: "I feel like today, it was an awkward date. Not gonna lie"

No, Jackie, nothing is as awkward as this dinner convo. You can hear them gulping. Great job on the awk noises, ABC.

Sean: "If I could be someplace else, I'd probably be there right now."

Sean is worried about the drama that Tierra brings, so when she tells him a super dramatic story about her dead junkie ex-boyfriend, Sean decides that he has nothing to worry about and Jackie should go home. And for the second week in a row a girl going home warns Sean about what goes on in the house.

Then Tierra and he watch fireworks while Tierra's side interviews make her look straight up psychotic. They don't make out. Probably cuz she is a gremlin.

COCKTAIL CEREMONY

Dez complains yet again and vaguely tries to call our Tierra to Sean's face. Smartly, she doesn't name names like the Jackster, but since there's still a black girl on the show so she didn’t get kicked off.

Robyn and Tierra try to "squash things" again, but they just fight. Robyn threatens bad girls club, which might just lock up a spot on Bachelor Pad 4. Basically, all that comes out of the fight, is that it’s confirmed that Tierra has a speech impediment. It’s so "fusstrating" listening to her.

"If I want to go get engaged, there are plenty of the guys in the world, I could easily get engaged" -Tierra is obviously here for the right reasons.

Sean then asks Lesley what's going on, because Jackie didn't tell him earlier, and Dez didn't hint at it earlier, either. He's about as smart as he is fat, so he's still confused by Les's answer.

ROSE CEREMONY

Foreshadowing

Sean and his bestie Chris sit down to over analyze text messages together discuss how this is, like, sooooo hard for him, and Montana was just, like, such a bad week, and Sean is really upset that his wife might not be in that room.

I think Sean ultimately decides that he's still not sure if his wife is on the Blue team or the Red team, but he knows she's definitely not black, so Robyn is out.

Till the next Rose Ceremony.

-Commish