Episode 6 Recap

Epsiode 5 is recapped in the previous post, and scores from 5&6 are HERE.  Now on to Episode 6!




Ahhh, Canada. You look just like Montana, probably because you are neighbors.

Let's be honest. This was the best/cutest part of the episode.

CATHERINE'S DATE

So the producers are totes channeling The Shining in this one. I half expected Tierra to chase Catherine around a hedge maze screaming incoherent things till Sean saved her with his snowcat. I mean, knowing Tierra, that's not so farfetched, right?

Anyway, the abominable snowman Sean and Catherine play on a glacier for their date, which is great because Sean needs to make sure that his wife can pass the blizzard test, since he's from Texas and all.

"This is great. Catherine and I are sledding, we're doing flips, we're walking on our hands, we're making snow angels. This is what I want from a wife." -Sean

It's a metaphor of our relationship

Then they sit in the cold and drink hot chocolate in his and hers onesie snowsuits. Basically part I of this date sounds like the most miserable date ever... Color Catherine unimpressed.

For Part II, Sean sticks with the freezing cold theme and takes Catherine to an ice castle that was built just for them! Then they get really deep.

"Catherine and I are sitting in this insane ice castle just surrounded by ice" -Sean

If I were Catherine I would send back my drink, because that ice is disgusting.

Would you like dirt with that?

"So what do I not know about you?" – Sean
"A tree fell on this girl at summer camp and she died instantly, so that made me want to fall in love and family as my number one goal in life" –Catherine

So does Catherine have her nose pierced? Because I thought I noticed it before, but then I didn't see it, but she had one in on the date. Seriously, guys, what the consensus?

I think there is ice on her nose.

Anyway, Sean gives Catherine the rose, because he gives roses to girls who cry and tell traumatic stories. Then they make out.

Then Sean is all happy that his date is going well, because that means maybe his wife totally IS here.

"Catherine has melted my heart" -Sean in the ice castle. Then they make out some more.

GROUP DATE

Selma, AshLee, Lesley, Sarah, Tierra, Sarah, and Daniella get the group date. Daniella is sad and confused because she doesn't understand why she is going home isn't getting a one-on-one.

Don't Cry on Camera, this is the Bachelor!

Sean decides to take the girls for a leisurely canoe ride before their exhilarating and death defying polar bear plunge, because canoeing was obviously was such a good idea after their lumberjack competition.

"This water looks like the carribean" - Canada is also NOT in the carribean, sorry girls.

They get across the lake and are all hope for a hot tub, as most of you were hoping for some double points, too, I am sure. Unfortunately Sean, the guy who is full of the worst surprises ever, has a surprise for them. SURPRISE! YOU ARE DOING THE LAKE LOUISE POLAR BEAR PLUNGE!

Sean is literally the last person on earth I would want a surprise from, because they always suck.

I wonder how I'll react?

Selma once again reminds us that she is Iraqi and in addition to not being able to handle the heat, even though she is from the desert, she also can't handle the cold. This actually makes me like Selma, because just like Meatloaf, she will do anything for a rose, but she won't do that. Sorry, Seansie.

Selma: "Call me a Princess. I don't care"

Sean: "I think it’d be fun if you did it."
Selma: "I think I'm from Baghdad, I don't do this. We come from the desert, we are warm weather people ... He was like this is a once a lifetime opportunity, I'm like no it's not I can come back and do this anytime I want. I don't want to do this."

Sidenote: I didn't realize that Andy Dalton was a Canadian lifeguard in the off season, and that his partner in crime was a dressed down Mimi from the Drew Carey Show

Cut to AshLee on the verge of a mental breakdown because her OCD can't handle a polar bear plunge.

AshLee: "I don't like it, I don't want to, and it's gonna put me emotionally vulnerable because I know I'm doing it for Sean. No one's ever in my life made me want to do something for them"

Do all the girls on this show have speech problems?

And now the moment we've all been waiting for... Tierra's hypothermic almost-death by glacier water Everyone (besides Sean) knows she's psycho, and that she totes faked it, but it doesn't matter, because she still got her owners some injury on a date points as well as one on one time with Sean and rose later that night.

I mean no one should be shocked that didn't react well to the plunge... what's that thing that happens when you put a Gremlin in water?

Fortunately, Tierra didn’t multiply; she just turned different colors like her other alter-ego ET.

After the plunge, while all the girls are jumping up and down and gushing about the experience  and how amazing it was, Tierra is doing this:

That was cold

Fainting

Shitting herself

But I want to live!!

Dead

Might be alive

Nope, she's a Zombie

Then an Ewok 

Human again

Nope, again.  Psychotic Zombie with an extra hot non fat triple caramel macchiatto

But then, she is obviously fine.

Wrong foot, bitch!

Sean comes to check on her and the least shocking convo happens:

"I was like this guy better marry me. Just kidding" - Tierra
"No you're not" - Sean

Ultimately, the girls are ecstatic she's not on part 2 of the date.  But then Tierra hears Dez is getting another one-on-one, and decides to brave her injuries. I mean this is like, soooo bold of her, she still can't feel her toes!!!  Hoping for a pity rose, Tierra is denied, and watches Lesley get the rose for basically being a leech on Sean all day and repeating verbs as nouns.

Lesley: "I love love and I’m so excited to feel to those feelings again"

SARAH’S ELIMINATION

Sarah decided to show pictures of her and her family to Sean and he was like "Whoaaaa pump the breaks, you had a prosthesis and now you choose not to have one? I don’t know if you're the girl for me."

What I want to say about Sarah's Elmination is best summed up by Second place participant in our league Jes S.

"Well you have to hand it her here, she lasted a long time. It must have cost her an arm and a leg to fly back home, but I'm sure her home town will give her a hand in moving back home. In hind sight I suppose she should realize that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush... she got one arm."

DEZ'S DATE

So Sean and Dez head out for their one on one and, SURPRISE, Sean has a picnic planned at the bottom of a 400+ foot drop. I mean, Sean just wants to really drive home that their Bachelor Dates are a metaphor for a real life relationship. Luckily, Dez gets it and explains that rappelling down this mountain is exactly like dating in real life.

So Dez and Sean go on a just like his first date with Sarah part 1 of their date, which was actually really boring for rappelling down the side of a mountain.  All they did was make out:

Kissing you on this mountain is a metaphor of all my fears.

I conquered my fears.  KISS ME!

Then they discuss what happened in Montana.

Sean: "What was getting to you?"
Dez: "I honestly don’t even know."

You gave Tierra a rose, Sean. That's what got to EVERYONE.

Dez starts telling us that she's soooo glad she could express to Sean what was going wrong for her in Montana.

So after climbing a tree, Sean takes Dez to a teepee, where Dez confesses that she was raised poor and lived in a tent for a while.

Then Dez actually says the following: "I opened up about spending part of my life growing up in a tent and here I am falling in love in teepee."

BTW, sweet sweater, Hansel.

Blue Steel

COCKTAIL PARTY

So at the cocktail party was that Selma finally kissed Sean for nothing.

SCANDAL!

I mean, I dunno what her mom was worrying about... their lips touched, that's it. Was it really worse than her 'big guns'???

Then Lindsay tries not to kiss Sean. And does not succeed, which is really not shocking.

Then AshLee let's Sean blind fold her, which is kinky huge, because it puts her on the verge of an OCD induced mental breakdown, again. Then they kiss while she's blindfolded.

AshLee: "I mean I love everytime he kisses me, but something made this more solid"

You know what is solid, Ash?  Sean's boner.

ELIMINATIONS

Sean: "I just want you know that this decision by far is the toughest decision I've made thus far."

Letting go of girls that aren't black or disabled is just soooooo hard, so Daniella and Selma get the boot because keeping a psychotic ewok is a lot more interesting.

Till the next Rose Ceremony.
-Commish