Episode 7 Scores and Recap

Alright, kiddos, my apologies for the late post this week, but I am studying for a professional exam so it's been busy... I meannnn, jk, I was totes waiting for Valentine's Day to post about Sean and his lovers. Duhh!

Updated spreadsheet with all the scores is HERE

And here is the new Top 5:

1. Lisa J.
2. Andrea
3. Aimee
4. Jess M.
5. Lisa S.

Lisa J. has knocked out our reigning number 1 leader, Jess M! We are down to 4 girls now and next week are hometowns. All the girls will get 20 points to start for getting the hometown dates. After next week the top 3 girls will start earning their position points which will really catapult the scores, so even if you think you're out now, that might not be the case if you have girls left on your team.

This week Tierra and Lesley were eliminated. If Tierra was on your team you got 25 pts for her being kicked off for reasons outside of normal elimination, but you do not earn points because she wasn't eliminated via the rose ceremony. If you chose Lesley to go home you earned your elimination points.

FROM HERE ON OUT YOU WILL BE GIVEN 100 POINTS TO WAGER IN ELIMNATIONS! Because some people's entire teams have been eliminated, this will keep it interesting.

And now...

On to the Recap!



Not really sure how we ended up in with Sean wearing a shirt for the first 5 minutes and 30 seconds when they're finally in a warm climate. But, I mean, he's a rule breaker, and wearing your shirt in St. Croix is DEF breaking ABC's rules. You go, Sean, get down with ya bad ass.

The girls' thoughts on St. Croix.

"It smells so new." - AshLee
"You could totally fall in love here" - Lesley
"I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriend, I'm not" -Tierra

Hobbit Cot

Thanks for reminding us that you're crazy, Tierra.

ASHLEE'S DATE

"Everytime I'm with Sean, I get carried away, if it's not physically, then I get emotionally carried away" - AshLee

Oooo so this is a metaphor date!!  I'm glad AshLee explained that for me because none of the dates on this show are metaphors that need to be explained.

"The cougar's back in town!" - Tierra
::GASP!::

As crazy as Tierra is, this was hilarious.  I especially enjoyed when she called out AshLee's age in the side interview. I think we all know that Tierra will probably be through her first divorce with a kid or two by 32, which makes it even funnier.  She'll wish she could get back on The Bachelor or even Bachelor Pad 25...

So AshLee gets carried away to a private island on a Catamaran. Obviously both of them had to get half naked and swim out to the boat...

I really enjoyed Sean's voice over about how ever since AshLee let him blindfold her he got really excited for the Fantasy Suite he realized how strong, yet vulnerable AshLee is a person as she is undressing for the camera.

And of course, there's a side interview where AshLee cries as she has yet another epiphany about how good and terrifying it is that she's been abandoned in life because she has just enough issues to make it this far on The Bachelor.

Although I think AshLee is a front runner, and had a monster episode tonight, with crying, kissing, 'I Love You-ing', AND divorcing!!!,  she's got too much baggage and will inevitably not be Sean's wife. I, for one, cannot wait for that breakdown.

"I mean through the tears it makes me happy" - AshLee

Cut to shit talking about Tierra by all parties. AshLee is the first bachelorette in history to talk shit about house drama to the Bachelor and not get eliminated.

The obvious next step in the date is for AshLee's voice over to talk about their future as they awkwardly make out in an awkwardly not low enough tide while awkwardly laying on top of each other.

You get on top...

No, you get on top...

Let's just make out in deeper water.

Nice job, ABC, editing in music with wedding bells in the background.

At their beach side dinner, where they're drinking red wine and sweating (ew), AshLee finally decides that she has to tell Sean, that like many southerner's she was a high school bride. I love that she tries to make it like it's no big deal.  I mean she only got engaged as a freshman in high school, got married as a Junior, and got divorced as a Senior, just to get away from her mom. NBD!

That's pretty extreme to get away, don't your parents have to like sign papers for that shit? Whatevs, I love Sean's reaction.

"So you were a married high school junior?" - Sean

And AshLee's reaction to Sean's reaction was even better. In a moment where she can overcome her OCD enough to stand on a chair, she decides to scream everything out... including the L Bomb while screaming.

Are you ready for this?

And then she tells Sean in an oh-so-Gloria-in-Wedding-Crashers-esque way, that when she says "I love you" she means it...

I'll find you!!!

Then they make out in an another awkward level of water tide pool and the date is over.

TIERRA'S DATE

Tierra finally gets her one on one, and what is the first thing she does? COMPLAINS! This girl is unreal.

"However being attacked by bugs and the sweatiness and my makeup dripping off, like that's not fun or cool" - Tierra

I love that she phrased it "being attacked" by bugs. She's always the victim, people!

"I just thought definitely thought if I was to get on a one on one, it would be something like, cuz I like boating and I love being on the water I definitely thought it be something of that" - Tierra

She has the worst spoken grammer I've ever heard.

Anyway, Sean thinks Tierra is, like, SO beautiful, and SO fun, and SO awesome. But he's got a lot of questions is going to start a fight between the girls.

Sean and Tierra begin their date with Tierra's complaints:

"I'm hot, I'm gross, I'm thirsty."

For the date, Sean takes Tierra street shopping where they buy fugly surfer dude necklaces, locally made body lotions and soaps, and an eternity bracelet which mean their love is totes forevs! Duhhhh!

Sean can count... INCREDIBLE

"He knew where to take me and he bought me the most incredible things that any guy could probably buy on a first date" - Tierra

All of a sudden a parade is headed their way. NO. EFFING. WAY! This is just, like, soooo surprising and random. I mean, it's not a surprise from Sean, so maybe it will actually be entertaining.

Spoiler alert: It wasn't.

Except for the part where Tierra almost got taken out by one of their costumes.

Then they get snow cones, from which she potentially will get diarrhea.

Sean and Tierra sit on the steps of a church and Sean asks her to confess her house drama sins. Tierra's response is: they're just pissed off, because I got the first impression rose. Tierra, 10 people got the first impression rose, and that rose was like 10 years ago in bachelor time. Hometowns are next week, duh!

Next up is dinner in a sugar mill, and Tierra tries to speak English during their convo.

"I did feel like there was a little distant from you. And I don't what it was cause from." This is an actual quote from Tierra.

Me fail inglish,  that's unpossible.

Sean, amazingly, understands, translates in a side interview that she's upset people talked shit about her, so Sean apologizes. Tierra is furious, but plays 'the game right back' by telling Sean she's falling love with him. That doesn't quite seem like a dramatic game.

This'll show 'em!

"I finally have come to a conclusion, that she's probably not nice to the other women but she is being genuine when she says she's here for me. I don't think she's a bad person, in fact I think she's a sweet person. In fact, at the end of the week she doesn't have to live with the other women anyway." - Sean.

Sean is the stupidest bachelor ever. At least he's pretty.

GROUP DATE

SURPRISE!!! UGH! SEAN AND HIS GODDAMNED SURPRISES!!!

Sean decides to wake up Catherine, Desiree, and Lindsay at 4am, give them 5 minutes to get out the door and drive across St. Croix to be the first people in America to see the sunrise. I mean, when else would you have the opportunity to see the sunset and sunrise over the ocean on a tiny ass Caribbean island.

Sean takes the girls on road trip, because he really wants to drive home the fact that his family loves road trips (see episode 2). And all the girls talk about how BIG this date is.

They visit a sugar mill, a café, a tree house, and then the beach. Wow. Everything was SO incredible, SO beautiful, SO unbelievable, there SO much history. I wish ABC had taught Sean a few more descriptive words than so, incredible, unbelievable, and beautiful.

Me fail inglish, that is SO unpossible

They get to the beach for sundown and OBVIOUSLY have time to strip down and swim.

Lindsay, per usual, tries not to make out with Sean, but ends up making out with Sean. They talk about her wedding dress fiasco, the first time he stuck his tongue down her throat.

I don't know how to do anything else

Catherine tells another traumatic story about her dad trying to commit suicide… yikes.

"I just needed you to know that, cuz it would be weird if you were like 'where's your dad'" - Catherine

"I think Catherine sees my relationship my relationship with my Dad and how much I value it, and I think she’s a little scared that I might not like that her Dad is not an active part of her life" - Sean

 No, Sean, she had to tell you so you wouldn't ask about her Dad... just like she said.

Shit just got real

Then Des oddly cries about how she really wants what her parents have so badly, and how much it would mean for them to see her happy like them. Um... then why are you on The Bachelor?

Why are you crying?

Shockingly, Sean does not give the rose to someone who cries or tells a traumatic story. Lindsay gets the rose and I cannot wait for him to meet her military family.

LESLEY'S DATE

Sean starts out the date saying he's not feeling Lesley that much, which means she's going home, and then the most boring date ever ensues.

They pick avocados and have a picnic on lawn furniture from Target.

Look what I found in the forest!

Also, who did Lesley's make-up. She knows this is a day date right?

"You know I've watched this show for years, and I see these girls say so easily, I love you, and I always thought they were such fools, and now I'm here going through this process myself and I don't think their such fools anymore. I am now one of those girls. I'm falling in love with Sean" - Lesley

Lesley decides she is, in fact, not a fool, and does not drop the L bomb like she says she will. In terms of The Bachelor, rookie mistake, in terms of life, excellent move, Les.

"I like how you smile with your eyes at me" - Lesley.

 Les, it's called SMIZING! And OBVIOUSLY Sean has been to Tyra's Modeling School.

Apparently, Lesley does not get a dinner or a part 2 to her date. Thank goodness because that was painful enough.

SEAN'S SISTER

So Sean invites his sister Shay to help him choose his hometown dates, as a family visit is customary on The Bachelor. Remember how Ben was related to a Khloe Kardashian look alike?

That's not Mama Kris!!

Shay had some amazing words of wisdom for Sean. Basically home girl kept it real:

"I know you're concerned, cuz they're all great girls, and you don't want to break their hearts, but their hearts will get broken, just like yours was broken and you got over it."

"I just don't want to be watching this unfold and going 'no not that one!' the whole time and then you ending up with 'that one' and a couple of time the bachelor has ended up with 'that one'"

"Don't end up with the girl no one likes"

The Face of Wisdom!

THE THROWDOWN

So as Sean decides to introduce his sister and Tierra, AshLee and Tierra start going at it over what was said to Sean. And per usual, Tierra makes absolutely no sense.. BUT she does leave us with some gems that make for, in my opinion, one of the best Bachelor/ette arguments in history.


"Yeah because girls are jealous. Men love me"

"When you throw someone under the bus it actually back fires"


Tierra: You're not gonna sit her and bash me about my character, AshLee. So your character is so great, honey, all these girls have talked shit about you, every single one of them.

30 seconds later

Catherine: You told AshLee we talked shit about her?
Tierra: I never said that, so don't put words in my mouth now.
AshLee: You did not just sit on the couch and say those words to me. What can we do to re-roll tape?
Tierra: I never brought the girls into this


"Raised Eyebrow? AshLee, that’s my face. I cannot help that. I have had no botox and no any of that" - Tierra

AshLee: "You said your parents said that they were worried about you coming on here cuz you can't get along with girls"
Tierra: "They said Tierra you have a sparkle. Do not let those girls take your sparkle away."

Sparkle

"I can't control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow. I can't control what's on my face 24/7. If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7 I would, but my face would get frickin' tired"  - Tierra

So finally Sean interrupts, Tierra is crying, she tells Sean she confronted sweet little adopted AshLee. Sean listens to his Sister (THANK G), because she is married and has a family so she must know everything about realtionships, and kicks Tierra off.

I have such a big heart!

Tierra tries to blame it on her big heart, the other girls, and basically everything, but her cray cray self. Probs she's cray. So Tierra leaves in an ugly minivan instead of limo, which is a metaphor for her relationship with Sean... Short, fugly, and cheap.

Sean: Are you gonna be okay?
Tierra: No. I'm not.

The good news: Tierra is not going regain any form of sanity to lose her sparkle, guys. No one can take that away from her!

ROSE CEREMONY

So in a very drama free rose ceremony, Lesley goes home, because she isn't a fool and didn't drop the L bomb all over Sean's heart.

However, in a strange twist of events, Catherine loses her shit over Lesley’s departure because they were, like sooo similar, so if he doesn't want Lesley, how could he want her.

What? Do you want Sean or Lesley? Whatevsss. Maybe she was hoping for a threesome in the fantasy suite? I mean we could all use the points...

Til the hometowns,
Commish

PS. Les, your bra is, like, totally showing... Sloppy.

Heartbreak is a mess