Episode 4 Scores and Recap

True Bromance

Stalking Bachelorette Producers on Instagram for classic photos just like these has just become a new favorite past time…

I would just like to point out that it’s Wednesday, I am posting Episode 4 scores, Episode 2 AND 3 recaps are up, and the Episode 4 recap will be up before Episode 5… Looks like I am commissioning like a BOSS this week!

JK... Co-commish did last week’s recap and helped with scoring.

Anywayyyy, ready for the updated scores? HERE they are! New top 5 is as follows:

1. Kat
2. Laura
3. Paige
4. Caitlin
5. Hayley

Laura and Paige are completely tied because they have the same team, the same earned elimination points, and have submitted elimination picks the same amount of times. Submitting elimination picks is great for the entire league because, as you’ll see, it can boost your score to the highest heights, where you'll find Des sitting on top of the clouds in her fairytale of finding a husband on TV.

I will post about elimination picks later this week as a reminder to send them to me. I will also list which Bachelors are left.

This week we saw Brad go home on a date that was just so fun, and like so down to earth, and so natural, but then got really awkward. I mean all I could think was how does this guy have a restraining order against him. From a woman. Who is his baby momma? Seems like he doesn’t play for that team if you catch my drift. Also, why did he name his kid Maddox? Is he obsessed with the Jolie-Pitt clan? Does he think he and Des will adopt 19 kids and give birth to one in Nigeria? These are the real questions Des should be asking... I digress.

Brad was boring, and awkward. Zack didn't have a good storyline. If you picked them, you picked right, and got your points.

Now! On to the recap!

Chris Harrison arrives at Casa de Testosterone and delivers the news that they were headed to the glamorous Atlantic City. Say goodbye to the Bachelor Mansion, everybody. We've officially begun the jet-setting portion of the Bachelorette season. This means that all of the drama and hot tub excursions will be taking place in a different (and probably cleaner) setting. It's all hotels and coach flights from here on out, people. How far will these contestants go for love? This week, they'd go as far as New Jersey. And boy, were they thrilled.

"I'm super excited, Des is going to be there!" – Anonymous

 

Whaaaaaaa? The Bachelorette is going to be on the Bachelorette?! That cray cray! Do you think she'll be at the rose ceremony too? What about on the dates? How about the cocktail party? Wait. You mean she’s going to be at ALL the things for the ENTIRE season? Wow!

I can't tell if these idiots were actually excited because they are all wannabe actors hardworking guys from the west coast, or fake excited for the cameras because they knew ABC was sprinkling a little extra steroids in their drinks to make it seem less budget. Can you get anymore budget than AC??? It's the place where hair gel and glitter go to die. The only time it could be even remotely fun is if you maybe did some sort of wasted boardwalk day in the summer, but judging from Dez's coat (that I literally want to rip off her body I want it so badly) it ain't even close to summah time. 

"Man-this place is AWESOME. It’s basically like Las Vegas on the ocean!!"-#Kasey 

It is #Kasey. Just less hookers, you can't openly booze in public.  And instead of a shit load of hot chick's dressed in booty dresses, you have greased up italian guidos and old ladies ready to steal your poker chips. Yep. It’s JUST LIKE Vegas. Poor #Kasey is just not the brightest crayon in  the box, but he sure is easy to please!

 Brad's Date

The first one on one date goes to one of the roid twins Brad -- who throws out that he has a kid (points!) and they go on a super cheesy day date on the boardwalk which is awkward from start to finish for me. They take a ride on the roller coaster and then Des smells chocolate and decides to "follow her nose to find it" breaking into some chocolate factory and violating like 87 health codes. Cue 12 creeptastic guys watching the from 44 floors up and everyone again feels awkward because one of the Zak's is looking like a stalker with his nose up to the window. You're in beautiful Atlantic City bro! Go do something!

OMG No, Des, those are carbs!

Next it's down to the beach, where **shocker** someone has built an epic sand castle for the two to share some champagne and snacks. Des asks Brad what kind of girl he usually dates and he says he doesn't really have a "type." He's looking for someone who's a sweet person and who will be a good mom for his son. Conversation kind of halts at that point. Cut to dinner where conversation is so awkward that they actually EAT THEIR MEAL. A first in Bachelor history I'm sure. Some highlights: 

"Do you have any pet peeves?" -Des

"I hate it when people can't be serious"- Brad

*****crickets******

Des of course starts talking about how awkward the convo is and everyone gets the feeling it’'s a no go for the rose, but instead of letting his take off after dinner she decides to make the poor fella hike up to the top of a lighthouse and dumps him there. WHO DOES THAT?!?!?!?! I'm pretty sure he was crying because she made him scale that lighthouse like a heartless bitch. TTFN Brad. It's been real. 

GROUP DATE

There he comes, Mr. America.

"I've always dreamed of being Mr America"- Michael G, Federal Prosecutor

Apparently, guys dream of beauty pageant victory too. They want to break that glass ceiling. They, too, dream of a crown. Lucky for us, one of those handful of guys is in our Bachelorette contestant pool! Michael G. has dreamed of pageant glory. I mean, look at that face.  Now, his chance is here. I wonder if someone crushed his dreams as a child because there is no such thing as a Mr America Pageant and Michael G was all: "Shucks! Now what? I guess I'll just become a federal prosecutor instead"

OMIGAWD. A PAGEANT COACH!!!!!! SQUEAL!!!!!!!

Christopher Dean, world-famous pageant coach, is here to help them. I think he might be 12, so I'm not exactly sure how he got world-famous at this. 

Juan Pablo knows how to throw a baton. Chris rocks some incredibly sparkly, incredibly high heels. Mikey's disappointed that the bathing suit he's been assigned for the swimsuit portion of the competition is bigger than the one he originally planned to wear. Ah, the life of pageant queens kings (is that even a real thing?!)      

Kasey's up first. Ms. America asks him if he's a giver or a taker in relationships. He says he's a giver. He likes to show love and affection and if both people give in a relationship, the relationship works. Plus 5. 

Zak says that he would rather be fire than water. Brooks wants to be a lion. Chris flubs his answer, maybe on purpose. Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter- is it Dora the Explorer? He does not wear a speedo in the swimsuit portion and the whole point of this competition is lost to me. I love you Juan Pablo.

Mikey thinks that women only see men for their bodies. But they cry inside, too. 

And now for the talent portion of the night.

Kasey pretends to tap dance while Mikey, who's not a piece of meat, strips. Brooks sings a terrible song and smashes his ukulele. Ben ribbon dances. Drew recites Shakespeare. Chris hula hoops in his high heels. Bryden pelvic thrusts in the mayor's face. Zak steals the show by having borderline actual talent by writing and performing an original song. I'm starting to wonder how much more embarrassment Des wants these tools to endure on this 'journey of love'. I mean, each week she keeps upping the ante and the question this week has to be asked: CAN IT GET ANY LOWER THAN THIS?

 

MEANWHILE BACK AT CASA de TESTOSTERNE.....

No roommates? No problem. It's sexy time party of one. James decided to take himself on a romantic date while the men paraded around in their skivvies. He took a bubble bath, enjoyed some chocolate-covered strawberries and drank a fine glass of red wine in a Hugh Heffner robe. Hope he's ready for his big date looking at wreckage tomorrow!!!!

Dear ABC,

   What. The. Fuck. Why am I watching the saddest debbie downer shit EVER on my guilty pleasure television show. Do you hate me? More importantly, do you hate James? When I signed up to watch this round robin marriage tourney I did NOT sign up for a commercial hour full of the Red Cross and watching old people go on a date. You couldn't even send them somewhere special. You sent them on a recycled date in their own town. This is low, even for you.

Get your shit together,

Co-Commish

Commissioner's note: I, on the other hand, legit cried at this face:

And am happy that ABC forced the red cross down our throats... well kind of... As someone who spent a solid 15 years of her life vacationing on the Jersey Shore (NOT SEASIDE EW! The shore is more than Seaside and Snooki) I def cried seeing the shore the way that it was.  Thanks for getting serious ABC, BUT I COULD HAVE USED WARNING!

Now back to Co-Commish's recap...

Having said that, Will Jan give Manny the key to the Fantasy Suite?

The Rose Ceremony comes and goes and I have already forgotten who she sent packing because they weren't even memorable and I was in senior citizen mode and nodding off. Oh, we're down one Zak. Great. Who cares.      

Des put on her cheap Aqua black sequin dress because she didn't want to waste a good one on New Jersey.  The most romantic place to fall in love... that is, till next week.

Let's get out of the country because I can't take any more budget date cities in America. See you next week in Germany ya’ll.