Episode 3 Scores and Recap

 

I meaaaan the jokes just write themselves... notheydon't. I actually have to physically write them down.

Here we are, 3 episodes and 12 guys down, yet no write ups after week one. What a deadbeat commish you have this season. Must've learned it from Brian, or Brian's Ex's Ex. Whatevs. Anyway, I swear to you that the recaps are coming. Co-commish will be picking up my slack this week, and who knows when I'll pick up my own slack for last week.

Anyway, the really important thing is scoring, which I do have! Episode 3 scores are posted HERE. We've got Laura holding strong in First Place, followed by Kat, Paige, Julia, and Lisa S.

Unfortunately for ya girl Lisa, she lost 3/5 of her team on tonight's episode. Brandon really pulled through with all those tears and L Bombs and single addict mother, single addict mother, single addict mother, single addict mother issues. But like a 13 year old boy who just discovered Curve for Men he came on just a little too strong and Des gave him the boot.

And Dan got kicked off because he's a 30 year old Beverage Manager from Vegas boring.

For those of you who wagered points on Brian being eliminated you unfortunately did not earn your points because his shorty showed up and went bananas on him in front of CBH and Des said "See ya!" You only earn points if players are eliminated during the rose ceremony. Ahhh, the sweet sting of Bachelorette Fantasy League rules...

Anyway, week 2 recap coming soon... Co-commish has finished week 3 and was waiting for my ass to post it... it's after the jump!



Chris B. Harrison, you are a man with many tricks up the sleeve of your Chris Harrison Collection casual oxford shirt.

And apparently, this was the week that he decided to unload all of those tricks. First, he reveals that there will be two group dates and only one one-on-one date. Then, he launches his own investigation into Brian’s shady past, which leads to gossipy phone calls, storming the mansion with a woman who is both angry and Brian’s girlfriend. Then, after all of that, CBH surprises us all with the announcement that a daytime pool party will be replacing the usual cocktail party. This episode was straight up anarchy for the Bachelor/ette franchise. All the rules were broken, the kisses were awkward, and the only passion was everyone's hatred for Ben. Let's get this party started and break it down!!!!

BALLS BALLS BALLS!

CBH shows up at Casa de Testosterone to give the guys the 411: Two group dates and one one-on-one date. The bro factory is having major tension with Ben. (I will be referring to him as Bension from now on.) Gotta say this came a bit out of the blue for me, as I personally thought Ben would be scoring high in all the romance categories because of the kid he flaunted week one yet, BOOM! He's actually a closet crazy (though if any of your read his bio, there was a huge red flag when he pronounced Men's Fitness as his favorite reading material). Either way, if he's on your team you’re doing well for yourself...

"I like to see guys in their natural element" - Des

…because I am on a round robin dating game that in no way simulates real life or any 'natural elements.'  Thanks for that fairy tale perspective, Des.

Of course the natural element that we are referring to here is the all-important, totally school playground-like dodgeball game between Team Douchebags and Team Meatheads. Gotta say, I am really respecting ABC for pulling out all the stops in emasculating these guys week after week. First a rap video in which they were forced to make up their own rap for "the Right Reasons" with a no longer relevant rapper, and now we are all treated to a reenactment of Vince Vaughan and Ben Stiller in 'Dodgeball.' Two thumbs up for the mini shorts ABC. Side note: I took a drink for every time anyone said "balls" and I'm drunk right now. Good thing CBH calls for the medic because I need a bit of a disco nap to keep writing. Poor Brooksie. He got trampled in the stampede of beefcakes, broke his finger, had to go to the hospital in a waaaambulance and then fell into a drug induced love coma aka oxy's make him weird.

"All I see is the ball hit his ball and then everything explodes" - Zack K.

I guess creepy Larry wasn't his ER doctor because he ended up being fine. He just has to put eight layers of padding over his hand and hold his arm at a 45 degree angle for the next six weeks. NBD. He must be a realllly good dodgeball playa because his team bit the dust when he was carted off. 
Des totes loves all of them though, so she invites everyone to the VIP Dodgeball After Party. LUCKILY! Nothing major happens so I will just go over some highlights.

Michael G. decided it was a good idea to wear a Hanes v-neck white tee.

Michael, this is totes inappropes. This is not a lazy day at the Bachelor mansion. You're at the VIP Dodgeball After Party! There are paparazzi outside! Dress up a little bit buddy!

Brad pulls Des aside and we hear about how he has a kid, is a single dad, his baby momma was an alcoholic, restraining orders, blah, blah, blah. Newsflash Brad: it's not a huge turn on to tell a chick you're trying to bang/marry about your arrest record or your drunken baby mama. Run for the hills, Des. This one has serious baggage.

Then, Chris takes Des to a roof secluded spot, that he totally just found on his own, and the Producers had nooothing to do with it. They share a beautiful moment and she gives him a rose for his efforts. Swoon. Cue another surprise concert with a no name band and I am left wondering if ABC has run out of date ideas in their 30th season.

Then, this happens:

Brandon, what the deuce are you thinking?! Please stop creeping from atop the skyscraper. Do not be that guy. Why are you being that guy? This is really uncomfortable.

FAKE PHONE CALLS FROM CBH ARE MY FAVORITE 

Oh no, wait. Stop everything. Are those ... nude leggings? Who told Des it was a good idea to wear nude leggings? Did she make this executive decision herself? I mean I love how the producers are trying to give her this whole 'I used to be homeless and I'm super down to earth' vibe but seriously? NUDE LEGGINGS??????? Ok. Moving on to the moment we've been waiting for dun, Dun, DUN!!!

CBH, who turns into Jerry Springer for a hot second, tells Des that Brian has had a girlfriend all along and Des is totes shocked. She and her nude leggings drive right over to Casa de Testosterone to have a showdown. He fervently denies that he and said woman are still an item. There's an exchange about a past argument that involved the girlfriend throwing rocks at Brian. Then the girlfriend drops a bombshell and reveals that she and lying, deceitful, cheating, pig Brian slept together two days before he left for the show. Brian, I gotta tell you, pal, rocky relationship or not you left a girl that looks like this:

And you left her for some flat hair and nude leggings on a round robin dating show that forces you to be fake engaged at the end of it all. WTF is wrong with you bro? CBH is obviously disgusted with you as well.

"Brian, you can't sit with us!! You need to leave right now. Go upstairs and pack your bags. Big Pauly will then escort you to the Black Van of Doom with No Windows. You will be taking the Greyhound home. Actually, no. You have to hitchhike. Your privileges to say your goodbyes have been revoked."

THEN THE WEIRDEST DATE EVER is what we all have to endure after that mess.

HASHTAG FAIL

Let's recap #Kasey's date, briefly shall we? First, they have a horrible time dancing on the side of the building. Des pretty much gave up and let go of the harness because she was all pooped out. After that, a windstorm arrives, candles are extinguished, stuff breaks and Des whines about being cold. The two then decide to enjoy the lovely weather by going for a dip in the pool. Des becomes even colder, their towels fall in the pool, they share an awkward kiss and Kasey gets a pity rose while sitting in a concrete stairwell looking like wet rats.

Moving on… yawn…

GIDDY UP JUAN PABLO

Back at Casa de Testosterone, the guys headed on group date #2 load into a stagecoach to go meet Desiree. A stagecoach. With horses. A team of them. SO COOL, right guys? You know these guys are actually super pumped because they are actually wanna-be actors and learning stunts is totes cool for their reel. Dan splits his pants. Zak makes her laugh. Juan Pablo uses his super powers of sex appeal and wins the competition which shocks no one. Nos gusta Juan Pablo mucho. He can whisper a recipe for pasta in our ear anytime, and we will whisper sweet Spanglish nothings in return.

Look at that PASSIONATE kiss over 'popcorn and stuff'! Des, if you don't pick Juan Pablo I might kill you myself. I also am starting to feel slightly suicidal at the amount Disney Lone Ranger product placement in the script. I'm also starting to feel like the producers are really reaching for storylines with these bros. The other meathead twin comes out with his sob story about his sick dad who has cancer and I’m a little disturbed that he decided to take time away from his sick dad to go on a scripted reality dating show. The ploy worked because he scored a rose. Time to fast forward to the pool party (gasp, no cocktail party!) aka the giant hot tub full of sausage:

And the Ben drama... which really isn't that interesting because he is no Tierra.  And he doesn't have a weird forehead.

BEN'S MUSCLES ARE SO BIG BECAUSE THEY ARE FULL OF SECRETS

...Secrets that everyone knows about. How stupid does he think the other guys are? Everyone knows your "secrets,' Ben. All the guys can see that you just went for a car ride with Des. News flash Ben: You are TV. Cameras follow you everywhere. The jig is up. Mikey and Michael - the two best friends anyone could have - are onto your sneaky tricks.

So thank god, the rose ceremony doesn't last long, Ben of course scores the last rose, and probably a fist fight next week. You who doesn't get a rose? Brandon. And boy is he shattered. He was "blown away" in fact and ironically 'out of tears.' Brandon. You overdid it, buddy. The awkward kiss, the abundance of man tears, the outpouring of emotion. It was all too much too soon. It’s no wonder you were out of tears by the time you got sent home. YOU'VE BEEN CRYING FOR TWO DAYS.

Till the Mr. Bachelorette pageant next week, folks.......

- Co-Commish